Another evening has found her way to me. Tender mercy. The house is settling into it's nighttime self...seeming to exhale the weight of the days events.
It has been a rough few days for Addy. He's running another fever...His Second in Three weeks. We were already scheduled to be seen today for our "routine" chemo treatment. But, upon waking we realized Addy was still arm wrestling a fever and we were asked to come in early to begin the "clinic waltz"...Pokes and prods and swabs and stethoscopes. A tiresome dance indeed. After the music ended and antibiotic administered along with blessed Zofran we scooped up our Adler and waltzed our way right on home.
We wrangled the afternoon away. Glancing often out the kitchen window....Looking for sleep to come and take us to her. We head back in tomorrow for another dance. Another series of tests and tubes and answer-less questions.
This is the Second week in a row that Adler has been too sick to receive treatment. And, although the logic based side of myself knows this to be the necessary protocol...The crazed, heavy hearted, momma bird inside of me wants to fly and scream and yell and stomp and seep deeply. I lay in bed and play a terrible game of hide and seek. I'm always the hidden. The questions relentlessly seeking. No matter how well I've camouflaged myself, how well I hold silently still as to not be heard. I'm always and in "all-ways" found.
Two weeks with no treatment... you think would bring blessed relief. An escape from the nausea, stomach pain, exhaustion so paralyzing that breathing itself is all you can muster. But, relief has not found its way to us this go round. I begin to simmer and stew as the days turn into nights..."What if the cancer is spreading right this instant?" "What if at this very moment as we sit here watching "Wordgirl"...cells are rapidly growing and dividing?" I try to keep busy hoping to outrun and outwit these mind numbing, tag-teaming questions and thoughts. To little avail. Sadly no amount of laundry folding or house sterilizing can compete with this game of hide and seek. No sir, not even Houdini himself could get out of this patootin' contraption.
On a much merrier note, I feel like a babushka nesting doll who has found all of her pieces as my boys are out of school for summer break. And lucky for me, I know the "Summer waltz" by heart.
Summertime is always the best
of what might be.
-Love and more love,