Passed by "lilac lane" this morning.....noticed how pregnant with life those Thousands and Thousands of buds seem to be...So ripe with new life that it's impossible to view the newness as anything but a true miracle. I have found myself devoting a large sum of time in these last weeks aiming to gather armfuls of "miracle evidence" as a means of reminding and renewing my fundamental belief that the Universe is infinitely kind.
A few days ago, our family drove a stretch of road that had been ransacked by a wildfire. (don't you think the word "wildfire" is a bit of an oxi-moron? Isn't a fire "wild" simply by birthright)? Ironically, the wildfire that caused such catastrophic devastation began as a "controlled burn." The man/woman who initially laid spark to earth, had no way of knowing...of predicting, the eventuality of their actions. Made me think of my life...how sometimes "lifewind" can sweep in so abrubtly, so unexpectedly...sending soot and ash high into the air only to fall back to earth to ignite even the greenest of landscapes. In many ways, my current circumstance, feels like a "controlled burn" gone awry. Like my best laid plans and well meaning intentions, grabbed onto the appeal of rebellious flames that refused to be proven wrong.
My family is struggling Janey. Each of us desperate to find our "land legs" once more after a long month out at sea. Each action I take, each word I exhale is subsequently followed by an endless barrage of internal questions. Questions about...each of my boys, (are "needs" being met? Are important conversations taking place? Are meaningful exchanges carrying each boy forward in a way that serves each individual personality best)?, about my marriage (see above list of questions), about my perspective, about faith, about finances, about my mental state, about forgiveness, about my ability to "believe with all my heart that I will do what I was sent here to do."
Nothing can make a soul wearier than wandering in search of un-answerable questions...so for now, for today, I'm going to sit for a good, long, while. I did notice Jane, as we passed by the scorched span of earth...patches of green emerging. Black, ash laden, soil still somehow providing nourishment to sustain new life. It appears to me, that even wildfires ultimately have a grand design in mind..."controlled burn" or not.
"Birds are singing sweet
and low....from the trees
that gently grow."
-That we might grow gently,